Dealing with someone who has a narcissistic personality can feel like being trapped in an endless emotional game—one where the rules are always changing, and the other person is determined to win at all costs. Whether you offer them praise or push back against their manipulation, the reaction is often the same: they thrive on attention, positive or negative.
If you’re in a relationship—romantic, familial, professional, or otherwise—with someone who displays narcissistic traits, the most powerful tool you have is understanding how to disengage. To do this effectively, you first have to recognize when you’re being drawn into the narcissist’s game. Once you see it for what it is, you can refuse to play.
A narcissist’s goal is control—of your emotions, your reactions, and ultimately, your self-worth. Their tactics may not always be obvious, but they often include love-bombing and devaluation, pushing buttons to provoke a reaction, shifting blame, and using attention as fuel. They aren’t interested in a genuine, balanced relationship. They are playing a game, whether you realize it or not.
Understanding that praise and provocation yield the same reaction is a critical part of protecting yourself. Narcissists don’t care whether your attention is positive or negative; they just need to be the center of it. If you praise them, they absorb it as validation of their superiority. If you criticize them or push back, they use it as an opportunity to play the victim, escalate conflict, or manipulate you further.
This is why arguing with a narcissist is always a losing battle. Even if you have facts on your side, they aren’t looking for truth—they’re looking for control. The moment you engage emotionally, you’ve given them what they want: your energy, your frustration, your time. The best way to win? Stop playing.
A narcissist’s power lies in their ability to provoke an immediate reaction. They thrive on catching you off guard, drawing out an emotional response, and then using it against you. Instead of reacting impulsively, take a deep breath. Pause before speaking. Consider whether a response is even necessary. If they send a manipulative text or email, resist the urge to reply right away. Give yourself time to evaluate the message logically rather than emotionally. The more you control your response time, the less power they have over you.
Viktor Frankl famously said, “Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response.” When dealing with a narcissist, that space is your greatest tool. When they say or do something designed to provoke you, don’t react instinctively. Instead, put distance between the event and your response. This can mean waiting an hour (or longer) before responding to a message, walking away from a conversation that’s turning toxic, or taking deep breaths and mentally reframing the situation before deciding how to respond. This space allows you to remain in control, rather than falling into their emotional traps.
Narcissists thrive on emotional engagement. Whether you’re expressing love or frustration, any strong reaction gives them fuel. The best way to disarm them is to stay neutral and keep responses short. Instead of arguing, explaining, or defending yourself, try simple, non-reactive statements like:
- “Noted.”
- “I understand.”
- “That’s your perspective.”
- “Okay.”
These responses offer no emotional fuel. They acknowledge the narcissist without giving them anything to manipulate. Over time, they’ll find less satisfaction in trying to provoke you.
It’s easy to get caught up in a narcissist’s cycle of highs and lows, but emotional detachment is key to protecting yourself. This doesn’t mean becoming cold or indifferent—it means choosing not to invest your emotions in their manipulations. Remind yourself that their behavior is about them, not you. Avoid overanalyzing their words or trying to “fix” them. Focus on your own well-being, rather than trying to manage their moods. When you stop feeding into their emotional games, you regain control over your own mental and emotional health.
Narcissists don’t respect boundaries—they test them. If you set a boundary but then allow them to cross it without consequences, they learn that your limits are flexible. The key is to set clear boundaries and enforce them consistently. Examples of firm boundaries include:
- “I won’t engage in conversations where I’m being disrespected.”
- “I will not respond to messages that are accusatory or manipulative.”
- “If you continue raising your voice, I’m ending this conversation.”
Boundaries only work if you follow through. Once you set them, don’t waiver.
Sometimes, the best response is no response at all. If the relationship is toxic and causing significant harm to your well-being, it may be time to walk away. This can mean limiting or cutting off communication if possible, using legal or professional support to navigate necessary interactions (such as co-parenting), or choosing to invest your time and energy in relationships that are healthy and reciprocal. Walking away doesn’t mean you’ve lost—it means you’ve chosen to stop participating in a game designed to exhaust and control you.
Dealing with a narcissistic personality style requires a shift in how you approach interactions. The moment you recognize that you’re in a game, you gain the power to step back and stop playing. By being slow to respond, putting distance between their words and your reaction, using neutral, short statements, detaching emotionally, setting firm boundaries, and walking away when necessary, you protect your energy and regain control over your own life. The less you engage, the less they can manipulate—and the more space you create for a life defined by your own choices, not their games.
If you’re facing divorce and struggling with the emotional weight of it, you don’t have to go through it alone. At R+E, our team is here to provide not just legal guidance, but support for the journey ahead. Reach out to us today, and let’s walk this road together. Click here to become a client.
