Divorce is often compared to the death of a loved one, and for good reason. Both experiences involve profound loss and a significant disruption to life as we know it. The grief accompanying divorce is not just about the end of a relationship; it’s about the loss of dreams, shared plans, and the sense of stability a marriage provides. Understanding the grief cycle can help individuals navigate the emotional complexities of divorce and emerge stronger on the other side.
This blog explores how the stages of grief—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance—manifest during a divorce and offers guidance for managing these emotions.
The Grief Cycle Explained
The grief cycle, first identified by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her groundbreaking work on death and dying, describes the emotional stages people go through when processing loss. While these stages are not always linear and can overlap, they provide a framework for understanding the emotional rollercoaster of divorce. Indeed, the person who is leaving the marriage is usually further along in the grief cycle than the one who is left behind.
Stage 1: Denial
What It Looks Like: Denial is the brain’s way of protecting us from overwhelming pain. During this stage, individuals might refuse to accept that their marriage is ending. They might cling to hope that things will return to normal or dismiss the severity of their situation. One can even deny the reality of the relationship they are losing, seeing it through the rose colored glasses of loss, as opposed to their true daily reality.
Common Thoughts:
- “This isn’t really happening.”
- “We just need some time apart to cool off.”
- “Things will work out eventually.”
How to Cope:
- Allow yourself time to process the initial shock.
- Talk to a trusted friend, therapist, or support group.
- Begin to gather information about the divorce process to ground yourself in reality.
- Visit a divorce attorney.
Stage 2: Anger
What It Looks Like: Anger often emerges once the reality of the situation sets in. This stage can be directed outward at a spouse, the legal system, attorneys, judges or even oneself. Anger can mask deeper emotions like hurt and fear.
Common Thoughts:
- “How could they do this to me?”
- “I wasted so many years of my life on them.”
- “This isn’t fair.”
How to Cope:
- Channel anger into constructive outlets, such as exercise or journaling.
- Avoid making impulsive decisions out of spite or frustration.
- Seek professional help if anger becomes overwhelming or destructive.
Stage 3: Bargaining
What It Looks Like: In the bargaining stage, individuals may attempt to regain control by negotiating with themselves, their spouse, or a higher power. They might focus on “what if” or “if only” scenarios in an effort to reverse the divorce.
Common Thoughts:
- “If I change, maybe they’ll come back.”
- “What if I had tried harder?”
- “God, if you fix this, I’ll do anything.”
How to Cope:
- Recognize that bargaining is a natural part of the process, but it cannot change the past.
- Focus on what you can control moving forward.
- Work with a therapist to address feelings of guilt or regret.
Stage 4: Depression
What It Looks Like: Depression often arises when the full weight of the loss becomes apparent. This stage can be marked by sadness, hopelessness, and a lack of energy or motivation. It’s a time of mourning the life that once was.
Common Thoughts:
- “I’ll never be happy again.”
- “What’s the point of even trying?”
- “Everything feels so empty.”
How to Cope:
- Allow yourself to grieve without judgment.
- Establish a routine to maintain structure and focus.
- Seek professional support if symptoms of depression persist or worsen.
- Connect with loved ones who can offer encouragement and companionship.
Stage 5: Acceptance
What It Looks Like: Acceptance doesn’t mean being completely okay with the divorce; rather, it’s about acknowledging the reality of the situation and finding ways to move forward. This stage brings a sense of peace and the possibility of new beginnings.
Common Thoughts:
- “This is my new reality, and I can handle it.”
- “I’m ready to focus on myself and my future.”
- “Life will be different, but it can still be good.”
How to Cope:
- Celebrate small milestones as you adjust to your new life.
- Explore new hobbies, interests, and relationships.
- Reflect on lessons learned and how they can guide you in the future.
The Grief Cycle and Children
It’s important to recognize that children also experience the grief cycle during their parents’ divorce. They may exhibit denial, anger, sadness, or confusion as they process the changes in their lives. Parents can help their children by:
- Providing consistent love and reassurance.
- Keeping lines of communication open.
- Seeking counseling or support groups designed for children of divorce.
Tips for Navigating the Grief Cycle
- Be Patient with Yourself: Healing takes time, and it’s okay to revisit stages of grief as new challenges arise.
- Build a Support Network: Surround yourself with friends, family, and professionals who can offer guidance and encouragement.
- Practice Self-Care: Prioritize activities that nurture your physical, emotional, and mental well-being.
- Seek Professional Help: A therapist or counselor can provide invaluable tools for coping with grief and finding clarity.
- Focus on the Future: While honoring your feelings, begin to envision the life you want to build post-divorce.
Conclusion
Divorce is a journey through loss, but it is also an opportunity for growth and renewal. By understanding the grief cycle, you can better navigate the emotional landscape of divorce and move toward a brighter future. At Robertson + Easterling, we’re here to provide compassionate support and expert guidance as you take each step of this challenging path.
If you’re ready to take the next step, contact us today. Let us help you find clarity and strength as you navigate the grief cycle and move forward into the next chapter of your life.
Ready to take the next step? At Robertson + Easterling, we’re here to help you navigate your family law journey with expertise, compassion, and care. Whether you need strategic guidance, fierce advocacy, or simply a listening ear, your story matters to us. Contact us today to discover how we can help you find clarity, confidence, and peace as you move forward. Click here to become a client.
