It’s one of the most common challenges we see at Robertson + Easterling: couples who still love each other but feel disconnected—like roommates instead of romantic partners. Maybe you’re reading this because you’re in that space. The emotional and physical connection you once had feels dim or missing altogether. You’re not alone—and you’re not broken.
Internationally acclaimed relationship therapist Esther Perel has studied this dynamic for decades. She says the root of the problem isn’t a lack of love—it’s a misunderstanding of how love and desire operate over time.
Love Grows from Closeness.
Desire Grows from Space.
In the early stages of a relationship, attraction thrives on the unknown. You didn’t share everything, and that mystery created excitement. Over time, as life together becomes more comfortable—shared routines, parenting, finances, household responsibilities—that mystery can quietly evaporate. You become closer, but less curious. Safe, but less excited.
Perel explains that love flourishes in security, but desire lives in the space between—in curiosity, autonomy, and even a bit of uncertainty. If you’re feeling disconnected, it doesn’t mean your marriage is dying. It might mean you’re overdue for rediscovering one another.
A New Perspective on Intimacy
Perel invites couples to embrace what she calls erotic intelligence—not just sex, but the ability to imagine, to play, and to be emotionally and physically present. When was the last time you flirted with your spouse? Or watched them doing something they love and felt that spark again?
We are most drawn to our partners, Perel says, when we see them through fresh eyes—as confident, capable, and whole. When you’re not consumed by closeness or overwhelmed by daily logistics, you start to notice again the things that made you fall in love in the first place.
Reconnection Takes Intentional Work
At R+E, we talk a lot about patience and poise in relationships. Sometimes the fix isn’t dramatic—it’s quiet, slow, and requires showing up even when it’s hard. That applies to rebuilding connection, too. Some practical steps:
- Create space. You don’t need a break; you need perspective. Give each other room to grow individually.
- Talk about your desires—not just your to-do list. Schedule a real conversation about what you miss, what you need, and what you wish for.
- Be playful again. Break the routine. Try something new together. Share a secret. Go on a date without a plan.
- Don’t wait for desire to “just happen.” Sometimes, planning intimacy is the most romantic thing you can do.
When You Need Help
We know it’s not always as simple as reading a blog post. If your marriage feels like it’s slipping, don’t wait to seek wise counsel. Whether through a therapist, a pastor, or a conversation with one of our team members, finding your way back to connection often begins by asking for help.
At Robertson + Easterling, we’ve walked with couples at every stage—some who stay, some who part, all who want peace. If you’re struggling in your marriage, know this: You are not alone, and it’s never too late to reconnect.
